Until now
by Brave-little-duck
Summary: "Until now... I forgot what happy felt like." ONE SHOT. Rated T to be safe.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

My daddy said, "Momma's gonna have a baby. He wouldn't stop smiling. I don't know what he meant.

But it makes me happy.

* * *

Momma had a baby. She was really happy, so was daddy. Then the phone rang… and they got really sad. They started to cry. I don't know why there sad.

But it makes me sad.

* * *

It's my third birthday. A lot of people came over today. I got to have cake and open lots of presents. Some people even got to hold baby Jane. Everyone was smiling.

That made me even more happy.

* * *

I don't think Jane likes me very much. I'm five and she's only two. We fight a lot. She bites me and screams a lot. I want her to like me.

Today daddy said, "You two are going over to Jacob's." That's daddy's friend. I don't know why we're going over there, but I didn't ask.

Momma was wearing a hospital bracelet when we got back. Daddy said she got sick. She looked really sad, so I hugged her.

She still didn't smile.

* * *

Her name is Kai. She is in my new at my school. I haven't seen her before. I like her a lot. She's the first friend I've ever had.

I hope she's always my friend.

* * *

Her name is Marlie. She's my cousin, and she's my friend. She's six, just like me. She came over today. We watched a movie and played with our stuffed teddy bears. She lives far away, so I don't get to see her all the time. But she's my family.

I love her.

* * *

We're on road trip. We stopped at a rest stop, daddy said him and momma wanted to tell us something. I want to know really bad.

"I'm going to have a baby." She said to me and Jane.

I'm happy again.

* * *

His name is Graeme Riley. He came home on Christmas. I think he's the best present I've ever gotten.

I'm happy he's here.

* * *

Kai and I fight a lot, and were only nine. She makes me so mad sometimes. I don't know if I want to be her friend anymore.

Marlie and me are very close. I love going on a trip to go see her, its fun. We get to stay up late and watch movies and talk for hours. We don't let Jane hang out with us, because we need our own space. She likes to dress like a boy and doesn't like girly things, but I don't mind.

I love her a lot.

* * *

I have a bad grade in class at my school. I'm only eleven, not perfect. Dad always yells at me. He made me cry today.

I wasn't happy.

* * *

His name is Blaine. He's in my drawing class, were in the seventh grade together. People say mean things about him. I don't pay attention to it though. He's still my friend. He always looks sad.

I hope I make him happy.

* * *

He hurts himself. I saw red cuts on Blaine's wrist. He was talking to someone at lunch and rolled his sleeves up the slightest bit to show them to who he was talking to. I don't know why he does it.

It makes me sad.

* * *

He said he's quitting. He won't hurt himself anymore. I made him promise that he wouldn't ever to it again, and he agreed.

He made me happy.

Her name is Graciela, but everyone calls her Gracie. She is very close with Blaine; they're the best of friends. She also hurts herself.

I want her to stop.

* * *

We ate lunch as a family today. That doesn't happen a whole lot. Mom talked about how our cousin lost her baby. Jane asked if she had ever had a miscarriage, she said yes. I thought back to when we went over to Jacob's and the bracelet and how sad she was even after I hugged her. It all made sense.

It was sad to think about.

* * *

I hurt my self today. I just wanted to try; I wanted to understand how my friends felt when they did it.

Gracie and Blaine got really mad at me. I said I wouldn't do it again.

They were still angry.

* * *

Blaine and Gracie had a huge fight today. They wouldn't stop yelling at each other. I tried to get them to stop. "Shut up!" Gracie yelled at me. Then it got kind of quiet. Gracie said she was sorry and that she loved me, but they kept fighting with each other.

It made me sad.

* * *

Blaine moved away. I miss him.

Gracie disappeared. She stopped coming to school. I miss her. I'm all alone.

It makes me sad.

* * *

I saw Marlie today. I hadn't seen her for a while, so it was good to see my best friend again. When we got there, she held her arms out for a hug. She doesn't always like hugs, so I took it happily.

She makes things better.

* * *

His name was Jeff. He was my cousin. I didn't know it until today... but he died the day Jane was born. I thought about how Mom and Dad got sad after the phone rang. It all made sense.

It's sad to think about.

* * *

Dad says were moving. I don't want to move away. Kai and I aren't fighting anymore. I love her to the ends of the earth. I want to stay.

* * *

I broke my promise. I hurt myself today. I felt bad about it… but I liked it. Dad makes me feel stupid. Mom isn't much better most days. Jane still doesn't like me. Graeme is only five years old; he doesn't know what he likes yet.

I'm lonely.

* * *

I had to tell Kai today. She got really sad and wanted to tell her mom. I told her she couldn't; I didn't want anyone else to know. She promised that she wouldn't tell.

It made me feel a little better about it.

* * *

I got caught today. I was stupid and forgot to wear a jacket. Dad saw my wrists. I lied and said I fell down. He didn't believe me.

I'm screwed.

* * *

We moved today. We're in a place called Crosby Minnesota. It's cold and there aren't a whole lot of people. I want to go back.

I'm homesick.

* * *

His name is James. He gave me a tour around my new school. He has long hair and he's really sweet. He told me that I should meet some of his other friends. He called me his friend.

He made me happy.

* * *

I sat with James at lunch today. I liked having someone to talk to. Even if he did most of the talking. James said that he had friends that sit with him. One of them was gone though, he had class work to finish apparently. I got to meet the others though.

His name is Logan. He's James' friend. He's really smart. He asked me a lot of questions. Like how old am I, whats my favorite band, how big is my family and why we moved. I told him that my dad got a new job so we had to move out here, we didn't have a choice. He said he was sorry. I told not to be cause it wasn't his fault. I just met him... and he already cares more than most.

His name is Carlos. He's James' other friend. He's short... but still taller than me, not by much. He really likes corn dogs. Carlos told a lot of jokes, he's very funny. He got me to laugh somehow. It made me feel better.

But I still wasn't happy

* * *

I haven't been here long... and I already hate it here.

Dad makes me sad. We only talk about school now. We always fight. I cry a lot more.

I don't think I'm happy.

* * *

James is kind of like my older brother. He looks after me and cares how I'm feeling. It's nice... having somebody who cares about you.

His name is Kendall. He's the only one of James' friends that I hadn't met yet. I went to hockey practice with James, Carlos, and Logan today, I wanted to watch. He's on their team. He's tall like James, has blonde hair and has eyebrows that could be seen from a mile away.

He plays really well. I don't think he ever stopped moving. I sat in the bleachers and watched. When it was over, James introduced me. Kendall said, "It's nice to meet you." Then smiled and walked away.

I don't know why... but I didn't smile back.

I still don't think I'm happy.

* * *

Kai called me today. She told me how much she misses me and wants me to come back home.

I miss her terribly.

* * *

I've been spending more time with the guys. It's fun. We eat lunch together everyday and hangout after hockey gets over. Then me and Logan walk home together because we live on the same street.

I really like these boys. They're fun to be around and they don't mind that I don't say much. I think my parents are glad I have friends here, even if none of them are girls. I've never been good at making friends.

I think I'm almost happy again.

* * *

Kai called me again today. But this time she was crying. She said her parents were fighting and started talking about divorce. Her dad told her that adopting her was a mistake. I told her I was sorry he was so mean to her. She told me that some days she wants to curl up in a ball and die some days.

She scared me.

* * *

I told the boys today. I told them how I used to hurt myself. They looked surprised and kind of sad. Except for Kendall.

When I asked him why, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "You're not as good at hiding things like you think you are." Then got up from our table and left.

He scared me.

* * *

I feel strange. I'm tired all the time. I feel weak... almost sick. I used to laugh a lot, now I don't laugh. Even if I do... it's not mine. It's always a little too loud and a little to focused, for a little too long. I don't smile either, it's too hard to force it most days. Kendall kept staring at me yesterday after I laughed at something Carlos said. He stopped me in the hallway after lunch.

"You're not okay are you?" He asked me. I thought about it then shook my head. He hugged me really tightly afterwards.

I think I'm sad.

* * *

Marlie came over yesterday. Today we went skating, and I felt okay for a little while. Then we went back to my house, and I felt sad again. When we were going to bed I said something about wanting a hug. After we laid down she said, "How about that hug?" So I curled up next to her and she wrapped an arm around me.

I've never felt more safe.

* * *

Kendall and me hangout a lot. I really like him. Its fun to spend time with him alone. We could talk for hours about pointless things. The guys kind of got me too open up, just a little. They understand that I'm not happy. I think that's what I wanted... someone to understand.

I think Kendall likes me too. He'll walk me to class some days or follow me and Logan outside until he gets to his bus.

We were walking home when Logan asked, "You like him, don't you?" I nodded my head.

Neither one of us had to ask what we were talking about.

* * *

Kendall told me how much he liked me today. When he asked if I liked him back, I kissed him on the cheek. After that he smiled and held my hand. When I got home, I couldn't stop smiling. My mom asked, "What? Why are you smiling so much?" I just said I had a good day. Then I went upstairs and started over thinking everything and ended up making myself sad.

I never truly have a good day.

* * *

I was sad when I went to school today. Me and Dad had gotten in a really big fight last night and I was just done. When I got to school, I saw Carlos by the stairs so I sat down next to him. When I didn't say anything, he asked what was wrong. I started to cry really hard and Carlos gave me a hug. I kept crying.

He said, "I need you to tell me what's wrong."

I told him how I felt like dying. Not the kind of feeling you get from being mad, but the kind of dying like you wouldn't care if someone came and held a gun to your head. I looked up and saw James looking at me. I hadn't seen him standing there a minute ago. He kept looking at me, he looked sad.

A minute later, Carlos was still trying calm me down when I heard footsteps coming towards us. I felt hand on my back, and an arm wrap itself around my waist. I leaned into Kendall's touch. Carlos told Logan, Kendall and James what happened. I had finally calmed down when the bell rang for class. We all stood up and Kendall gave me a long hug and promised he would see me at lunch. I walked to class with James because we both had that class for the morning. I made him promise never to bring it up again, and I told him to act like it never happened. All he said was, "Okay, fine."

But I knew no one would forget.

* * *

I didn't eat lunch today. In all honesty I was kind of hungry, I just didn't feel like eating. I think I made James mad when I wouldn't eat. But I didn't care.

I know I'm sad.

* * *

Dad came back today. He had gone away for the weekend on a retreat through the church that we go to. When he showed up he asked me to come talk to him. He gave me a hug and said he was sorry for not being as nice as he could be. He starting crying... so did I. I told him it was okay.

But I couldn't forgive him.

* * *

I ate lunch today. I haven't done that in a while. I was chewing on something when I caught James staring at me funny. He exclaimed, "You're eating!" when I asked him what he was staring at. Everyone turned to look at me. I nodded.

I still didn't smile.

* * *

I went over to Kendall's today. It was fun, James, Carlos and Logan were there too. At one point I was sitting on the ground, and Kendall was sitting behind me. I started pushing on a bruise on my knee, cause I wanted to make it hurt. Kendall then grabbed my hands from behind me to make me stop. He didn't let go of my hands though.

He makes things better for a little while.

* * *

I went over to Logan's today. I needed someone to talk to, he always know just what to say. I told him about how I used to sing. When he asked why I quit, I told him that it wasn't fun anymore. He asked if I sing in the shower, he scoffed when I told him no.

"I want you to sing in the shower. I don't care if you can't sing at all, I want you to sing as loud as possible." I started laughing really hard. It wasn't the fake laugh either, it was my old one. He looked at me, smiled and said, "I can't remember the last time I heard you laugh like that." I told him I couldn't either.

I was happy for a while.

* * *

Today I stood on top of my school. The roof is flat, so I wasn't worried about falling. Logan, Kendall, Carlos, and James came with me. We watched the sunset in the horizon. I've been doing a lot better. I'm not as sad but I still have my days. The guys have been a huge help.

Me and Kendall have been dating for a while now. The other day he told me he loved me, and I said it back. Until now, I had forgotten what happy felt like.

I think... I'm happy again.

* * *

**A/N: This story is based loosely off of my life. Now, obviously, I haven't met the guys. Some scenes with the guys are similar to things that have actually happened to me. The only name that I didn't change was my cousins who died, and yes he did died on my sister birthday. If you have a problem with this then fine, I don't care. Say what you want, but I'm really proud of this piece. If you like it please leave a nice review. Have a good day.**

**~B**


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